Inflection

 “Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress.” Psalm 25:16 (NLT)

During the first months my husband left, I faced the toxicity of loneliness day in and day out. An empty nest, of  home and cold nights alone were taking their toll. The silence echoing in the caverns of my empty heart was often the only sound I could hear.

Warmer weather finally rolled around, and my sons were asking a short spring break trip with their grandparents. Out of love and concern for my well-being, and to pull me out of my self-inflicted isolation, they encouraged me to travel to meet my siblings and old neighborhood friends and spend a day in the sun together. I longed for a break from life, if only for a couple days, so I jumped at the opportunity.

The first day was filled with laughter and smiles. The sunshine warmed me from the inside out, improving my mood and temporarily thawing the cold hollowness in my soul. The change of scenery and focus were exactly what my spirit needed. But the following morning when it was time for them to leave, a sense of heavinesss came over me. I realized the crushing awareness of being completely, utterly alone, in another state, all by myself, miles from home.

The reality of being alone hit me like a punch in the gut — being alone was my permanent new normal. I suddenly felt more excruciatingly isolated than ever before, as if I had been dropped off on another planet and left there to figure out how to survive. All alone with no escape.

Scripture gives plenty of examples of people who shared these same painful feelings and realities. In fact, all of the Psalms point to evidence that even King David felt lonely quite often. Yet his loneliness is exactly what drove him to lean into God.

In Psalm 25:16, King David said, “Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress,” followed by verses 17-18a, which say, “My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! Feel my pain and see my trouble” (NLT). This whole passage is a series of pleas for God’s help because David felt oppressed, depressed, troubled, unseen and deserted by God and others … painfully alone.

But instead of staying upset with God, David’s prayer takes a twist. I wonder if he paused, slumped his shoulders and breathed a heavy sigh as he humbly uttered the words, “…in you I take refuge. May integrity and honesty protect me, for I put my hope in you” (Psalm 25:20b-21, NLT). Despite everything, King David leaned into the Lord in his darkest moments instead of away from Him. Despite how alone he felt, David wanted to connect with God and held on to hope that He was there, even if no one else was.

You see, loneliness can actually be a catalyst to grow our relationship with God rather than stifle it. Loneliness is God’s way of reminding us we were made for a personal relationship with Him, and He placed a deep longing in our hearts only He can satisfy.

Maybe you’re feeling loneliness because of the loss of a spouse from separation, divorce or even death. Maybe it’s because of an empty nest, an empty spot at the table, the loss of friends, or attending holidays, weddings or social events solo in a new season of life. It can even sometimes feel the strongest when we’re in a crowded room or with a spouse who makes us feel invisible or unimportant even when in their presence, proving loneliness is a state of mind, not a state of a being.

Regardless of the root of our loneliness, we can always trust God is with us. As we lean into Him, we can continue to pray that He will bring the right people into our lives and satisfy our need for human connection as He satisfies our soul’s thirst for Him. In my own life, I’m thankful God has given me my two sons my parents, siblings and some wonderful female friends to support and care for me as I walk through lonely seasons.

Connect with God first, and the rest will eventually fall into place. God may not take away the loneliness, but as we put our hope in Him like David did, God will make sure we feel His nearness.

Lord, I feel so alone right now. Hear my pleas; help me feel Your nearness as You divinely work to bring the right people into my life. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

My Thoughts in Words ( a Widow's Journal)

Title

My Thoughts in Words

                   A Widow's Journal

Introduction

“Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress.” Psalm 25:16 (NLT)

During the first months my husband left, I faced the toxicity of loneliness day in and day out. An empty nest, of  home and cold nights alone were taking their toll. The silence echoing in the caverns of my empty heart was often the only sound I could hear.

Warmer weather finally rolled around, and my sons were asking a short spring break trip with their grandparents. Out of love and concern for my well-being, and to pull me out of my self-inflicted isolation, they encouraged me to travel to meet my siblings and old neighborhood friends and spend a day in the sun together. I longed for a break from life, if only for a couple days, so I jumped at the opportunity.

The first day was filled with laughter and smiles. The sunshine warmed me from the inside out, improving my mood and temporarily thawing the cold hollowness in my soul. The change of scenery and focus were exactly what my spirit needed. But the following morning when it was time for them to leave, a sense of heavinesss came over me. I realized the crushing awareness of being completely, utterly alone, in another state, all by myself, miles from home.

The reality of being alone hit me like a punch in the gut — being alone was my permanent new normal. I suddenly felt more excruciatingly isolated than ever before, as if I had been dropped off on another planet and left there to figure out how to survive. All alone with no escape.

Scripture gives plenty of examples of people who shared these same painful feelings and realities. In fact, all of the Psalms point to evidence that even King David felt lonely quite often. Yet his loneliness is exactly what drove him to lean into God.

In Psalm 25:16, King David said, “Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress,” followed by verses 17-18a, which say, “My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! Feel my pain and see my trouble” (NLT). This whole passage is a series of pleas for God’s help because David felt oppressed, depressed, troubled, unseen and deserted by God and others … painfully alone.

But instead of staying upset with God, David’s prayer takes a twist. I wonder if he paused, slumped his shoulders and breathed a heavy sigh as he humbly uttered the words, “…in you I take refuge. May integrity and honesty protect me, for I put my hope in you” (Psalm 25:20b-21, NLT). Despite everything, King David leaned into the Lord in his darkest moments instead of away from Him. Despite how alone he felt, David wanted to connect with God and held on to hope that He was there, even if no one else was.

You see, loneliness can actually be a catalyst to grow our relationship with God rather than stifle it. Loneliness is God’s way of reminding us we were made for a personal relationship with Him, and He placed a deep longing in our hearts only He can satisfy.

Maybe you’re feeling loneliness because of the loss of a spouse from separation, divorce or even death. Maybe it’s because of an empty nest, an empty spot at the table, the loss of friends, or attending holidays, weddings or social events solo in a new season of life. It can even sometimes feel the strongest when we’re in a crowded room or with a spouse who makes us feel invisible or unimportant even when in their presence, proving loneliness is a state of mind, not a state of a being.

Regardless of the root of our loneliness, we can always trust God is with us. As we lean into Him, we can continue to pray that He will bring the right people into our lives and satisfy our need for human connection as He satisfies our soul’s thirst for Him. In my own life, I’m thankful God has given me my two sons my parents, siblings and some wonderful female friends to support and care for me as I walk through lonely seasons.

Connect with God first, and the rest will eventually fall into place. God may not take away the loneliness, but as we put our hope in Him like David did, God will make sure we feel His nearness.

Lord, I feel so alone right now. Hear my pleas; help me feel Your nearness as You divinely work to bring the right people into my life. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I envisioned writing this story when I realised the essentials of living. That being a widow is not a boundary from stepping one step at a time. At times when I found a quinch to satisfy my longing. To feed this hungry soul with words of love, inspiration,desire and wisdom. Such experiences that made me strong in facing the wreckage of being left behind.

As I began to write, I suddenly broke down in tears. Relishing and reliving the seven years we've been together. I slowly realize the loss I have been. That sorrow and grief which once tried to swallow my sanity. In between lines were a few untold memories which will be revealed.

I have always believed that what's happening in my life bounded to what gave me purpose to live. And that is my FAITH. I learned to stroll the narrow and unwinding road of loneliness. Evolving into a form of manly strength and bounced back from grief and sorrow to fearlessly face challenges and won my battle.

I hope you will love to embrace my story as we all embark the journey with faith.

"I was also angry with you for so many reasons. For disturbing things,for not taking it seriously. For killing all dreams we dreamt together and above all for not taking care of yourself".

When you were there we could never get along well. We were a husband and wife, even though we're not tied by the sacrament of marriage. We were like poles in absolutely so many things.

You were a hardcore,easy going buddy who was bind to so much love and care to your own family. While I was an independent, reckless and selfless,soft spoken woman. I do like family bonds. As if they were my lifelines and I guess We were alike in that manner. Mostly don't have things in common. While I like being at home, cooking and mending stuff you were an outgoing one who always spent your days and nights with friends and acquaintances. I like reading books, painting, and scribbling notes, while you find leisure on mobile games and social media chats.

You hated work so much, while I was breaking every bone to find a job. I became a nocturnal by sleeping at daytimes and  keeping myself awake at night to juggle multiple chores. I dreamt to settle in a quiet village where life is simple and low.  While you wanted to live in the city close to your own family.

The list is endless…

But then you left….

The memories are still fresh when we returned to Manila from a month of holiday .Things took an unexpected turn for the worst. The place we called home  was bear empty. Pots and pans were thrown outside. Clothes flown to the neighbors' rooftop. Such a  tragic scene I wouldn't want to remember. Our lives became miserable. Hugging our sons to cry silently, I'm engulfed  with anger.  Your willingness to help your family to escape the ill-fated life led  me and our children to an unfathomable hardship.

You were absent in our everyday struggle. At the age of four and two our children would learn to gather firewood from the forest and beg for almost rotten vegetables to satisfy our hunger. That's not all, as we used to walk half a kilometer everyday to wash our clothes and take a bath. Seeing our children in a dire situation broke my heart into pieces day by day. 

Years  have passed and life changes a little bit better. From living with my sister in law, you were eager to settle down by our own. You were not a believer of superstition. Insisting to move on the 13th of the Good Friday was against my will. But still you did.

New life,new beginning. Together with your nephews and nieces, we became one big family. Day by day I tried my best to put all  things in place. Transforming a house into a home. The everyday encounter wasn't normal. Yet,I never gave up. Deriving my strength from my own angels,my faith had become stronger. Until such times when I almost  gave up. Lack of food, scarcity in financial things, battling stress from parenting your nephews and nieces. Bedtime is my heavenly longing for that's when I got to hug my children and kiss them before retiring the day. But came a time when a good night suddenly became my living nightmares. That's when you left your sons and me forever for your heavenly abode. I am devastated.  However,I started building life again brick by brick.

I chose to stay alone away from relatives and family- both yours and mine. Both sides were busy with their own lives and business. I used to get the feelings that no one's life changed even a bit when you're gone. Except for mine and our sons.

I was also angry with you for so many reasons, for disturbing things, for not taking it seriously. For killing our dreams we dreamt together. Above all for not taking care of yourself. Everytime a person mentioned about you casually in any conversation,I snubbed them and I shut them off. Because I didn't want their pity. I continued to stay in denial.

In retrospect, at some point in time, I started feeling I was syphoning my strength in that anger towards you...but I was so wrong! I finally understand that I should not hold any grudges from you especially when you're gone and never to return forever in our arms.

Though many things  change, I still miss you.

Today, it's been thirteen years and two months since you left. I had changed. I left our home land and our children under my mother's care. I preferred to work in a household in Singapore. Our sons go to good colleges and universities. You could have been very proud of them if only you were here. They grew up in favour of God. And they missed you so much.

I learned to take decisions for absolutely everything. Things are decent now. After sending you to your final rest, every corner of our home is a reminder of your absence. I decided to leave with our sons and move  back to my hometown in Iloilo. A year after Dad also passed away. Life is so unfair to me taking both the beloved men of my life. I wasn't been crippled but I felt I was amputated from all of my limbs. A portion of my heart had been taken pieces to pieces by the grief of losing you.

I tried moving on, but I couldn't. Not because I didn't want to but because  society wouldn't let me. Whatever. One day I will talk about it in full details. That's when I am ready and brave enough to tell.

I miss you,and I have missed you with every breath I take and every cell of my existence.

I have started missing you more with each passing day. For the first time in the last thirteen years I finally gathered my strength to acknowledge the fact to be able to accept how your absence has been affecting our lives.

There's always a missing link.

Your sons haven't been spending  a single night without reminding me of you. Especially the second one. He is exactly a replica of you,in thought in action and all. I wish you could have a chance to set  down with them and play cards. To hang out with them cycling around the community. To play basketball and playstation. I wish you were there when they first cried for help when they were bullied in school. To teach them how to defend themselves from all kinds of attackers. I wish you were there to guide them when  they first fell in love and be their listening ear whenever they got mad. Things only a Father can fill it up. As I am writing this journal, your boys are now grown ups. Not to brag but they're the apples of my eyes. 

Today I realized, no matter how you were,no matter who you are, you were the only one I could call mine. You were the only one who listened to me and the only one I'd listened to. There is nothing lacking in either my life or our sons. We are complete with each other. But there is something that only you can prove to the.both of us.

We love you and we'll continue to love you. 

Yours truly,

What's important in life is how we treat each other.

  Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed. What sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. In fact it's not about grades.Money, clothes.or college that accept you or not. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that.

   But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust ,happiness and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all,it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could have never been achieved otherwise.. These choices are what life's about...

 

"We are like angels with one wing,we can only fly by embracing each other"

 Leading a hard life right from the start, pain,l ike thorns piercing through my vains. Suddenly you came by surprised touches my heart, embraces me with pride. Couple of years passed, I left my boys under my parents' care and moved to worked abroad. Singapore, my new home. The country of lions and technology. Life phasing so fast that I found each day a marathon of constant struggles and growth. I worked as a maid as being labelled as such. " Zao an" , a greeting from my boss as I stepped out of  my room heading to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. The mornings sounds more likely of  a jungle as the Coco birds break the dawn of their cawings. Working on my daily chores was just a piece of cake. It was something like being at home. What makes the difference was the piece of paper I signed on binding agreements to my boss enclosed my duties,restrictions,benefits and compensations. In short, a contract.

 When I first came here, I have no money and no friends. But I had a dream. I wanted to find a way to make a living so that I can send my boys to school and support their basic needs. It was a beautiful place that I felt I have a home in my heart. The first year in Singapore was just very challenging. I was longing for my children while adjusting to my new environment, homesickness and a constant worry about money and the everyday chores that awaits a full time sacrifice just to earn  a living.
At times when my limits are constantly tested. But during those times, I found my passion in life.

When times I tried to put myself on a stagnant environment and rediscover what makes me smile, I became like a scavenger looking for my paintbrush: and I paint.

     
     I started with photography, painting, writing blogs, and even go back school to study again. I started a little blog so that I can share some moments of my new life and express my love for nature in photos and some words.

When I feel hopeless, she is my only "HOPE"

     I also looked after a dog, Hope that became my best friend ever. Being so close to people and nature awakens something in me. I felt an urge to create and it became my biggest passion to continue creating and moving people with my arts.

    Its now been 9 years since I've worked, and still I am working in this place. From here I ran my own business. I spent my days doing household chores, helping my madam to teach her son with his school lessons, doing photography, painting and writing blogs and all the things my heart wants to expressed. And still my wish is give something beautiful to the world. Something that breaks through barriers and reaches the soul.

      These are the magical moments that I got to experience here. Images that tells about rediscovering myself, my passion, my struggles and my HOME.. I have learnt so much during these years. Most of all , that feeling being grateful in small things in life is the  key to the big things. The only way itself is to set limits of what is possible and not and to have patience, and never give up and never be afraid of losing your feet on the ground. 'Cos sometimes that could be the best things you could ever do.

Falling in love...

Right from the start we both felt the spark Shuttered whimps gathered together,confusions fade away. For once we shared a feelings that gently comes to live..Just between us.

Human instinct, to love and be loved. For once , I thought it spared me. But no. It victimised me instead. It all started by a phone call. Once,twice and becoming more persistent. He was fascinated by a captivating voice next line. Sounded like those who can sell a Tesla stock to an ignorant fithy rich guy. Voices are sometimes decieving, hideous and persuasive. A few phone calls led to a date out. He couldn't believe I am a maid. Until the day came. 

For years,we've been so inlove....
Sharing a lifetime with you no matter what..
Every moment is preciuos..worth reminiscing..
Just between us

Each night, heaven looks down upon us..

Scattered stars shining high up above...

We sat down,held hands and never part...
Starring one another,embracing,seems the world is only for us
Still,just between us

But life wasn't favourable enough.
Keeping my ship ashore,steering wheels against all odds..

Tears flooded away as my voice is a kind of husked.
An hour of grief came,when my heart doesn't coax with my brain.
To loved you more.and not to cursed,that was i felt deep within.

For sometimes you're lips are zipped..

Left me all alone,grasping air to breathe once more.

I called you for the last time,yet never turned back.
When my phone rang,it was you..
"trust me with all your heart and i will be there for you through the rest of my life"

I saw a shadow coming from afar,head bowed,you came back to my surprise.
You held my hands,embracing me with all your might..

And the night is over..it's all over.....
Just between us..

Again life is really unfair,for we didn't make it thru there..

I nursed my emotions and waited for the adrenaline to dilute..
Skull rattled,from whatever spazzed in there..
I doubt,I'm the only woman who has tried to buy time with a little denial..
Things between us is over..finally over..or

Somehow stealing it's way through the fog..
Nothing would be remembered,for i closed the chapter of...
Just Between Us.......

 





Strength

Be strong  if it means  I bring so much as tears in your eyes 

Be strong if it means I don't have you in my life 

Be strong if it means I don't have your hands in mine 

Be strong,  yes I just want to get in line 

This heart has been broken before 

And everytime I pick up the pieces 

I'm missing one or two or more 

I want you to be  

Yes, I want you to be 

I want you to be strong forevermore 

Like a Scorpion, You Are

She is full mystery, of provocative magnetism

She is maternal,not smothering..

or both, she gives everything. 

She can be demanding but equally demanding

of herself.

Always looking to transform herself  for the better.

She never seems to age but grow in wisdom and maturity.

Determined with strong sense of what she wants,

Her intense emotion is balance by love and sacrifice.

She likes her way to stand firm and make it known at her gate.

She will surely do all these things, 

When she is captivated by YOU..

Yes, She will! a Scorpio wants you... and wants you bad.

But mind your moves and before she even considered you as a contender..

Your trust must be validated. 

The Gift- a near-death experience had changed my life in a split seconds

" It was just a minor cramps, suddenly its getting intense and soon excruciating. I couldn't bear it anymore. I almost gave up."

          Thanks God it's Sunday! My best day of the week. Why? Well for so many reasons, this is the day where I became a Superwoman. Of course the transformation doesn't include with some super powers that will turned me into a sexy lady wearing a super hero costume and flew up for a mission to save the world. I said so, because after six days of hard work which end-tail was a late Saturday Family dinner which ended up to midnight, I am still Alive! Looking forward to the next day, I hit the sack at sharp 3am after a phone call to someone.

          My alarm rang at 5 o'clock in the morning, I jumped off out of bed to get ready for  Sunday Mass. Renewing my faith is one thing I couldn't take for granted. It was a gift. Only after this, my day had started. Work, work, work and work. Sometimes I came to think about it. Am I born for this? Huh,,, maybe. Well let me move on to a deeper sense. My Lunch Date. Hmmm, sounds like one of the noon time variety shows on the television in the Philippines before. For ones in a week, I ate lunch with one of my gifts. I enjoy every meal with whatever food we shared. The best one: Super Yummy Egg Omelet. Why it's scrumptious? That's his secret. He won't even wanna tell me. Oh well, I don't mind. I believed, after several servings, I can tell what makes it yummy. And that's my secret!!! Sssshhhhh.... Lunch was superb! and the rain started to pour like H----. Oh, G. how am I going back to home? of all the days, this was when I didn't bring an umbrella. But good enough I have company. The rain, the cold weather, the lovely tuned of music from his mobile kills the boredom. Rain was thinning and It was time to part. 'Till the next Sunday again.

         I reached home just on time to wrapped up for dinner. Another work is waiting. I feel exhausted, my legs are all tired and heavy. But when work beckons, in the name of service and commitment, I couldn't say 'NO'. My human nature cannot bear it and I have to say , "I need to rest".  The cramps started to come. I thought, a painkiller can kill the pain. Ironically, it didn't.

          I went to bed hoping that sleep can helped it.  It was just a minor cramps, suddenly its getting intense and soon excruciating. I couldn't bear it anymore. I almost gave up. All I can think was I wouldn't be able to see the beauty of another day. That all what's in my mind was my love ones. The best things I dreamt and planned for them and the future that I am building with someone. Those people that crossed me and whom I had crossed by. I grabbed my rosary and lift up everything to HIM.  But in my last thought, I shouldn't give up. Death is not something to be feared of. Death is our greatest enemy that we should face squarely and never be afraid of. Struggling to get up, vision blurred and profusely perspiring, I am still contained. I composed my spirit to fight for it, I got up and changed my clothes. Wanting to call for help, I suddenly felt relief. The pain was gone. Like nothing had been felt. What happen to me? Am I still alive?  As I walked out of my room to get a cup of hot water, I tripped over my laptop cord. And I broke down to tears as I realized, I am Alive. God had given me new life. I felt my purpose, I felt my worth. This is my Gift. The gift of a second life after surviving a near-death encounter.

To my love ones, I am so blessed, to my foes, I forgave, to those I have hurt unintentionally, I ask for your forgiveness and understandings. To my self, I appreciate to value  of the word Rest. I am sorry for not looking after "you" the way I should have to. For no one will ever love me, the way I Love MYSELF... Thank you for the GIFT.

         

A Day to Remember

"the heavens, the oceans and the earth are the witnesses of the sweetest moments shared between two persons as they met the new year being together. These three elements of life continuous to nurture them to the fullest of their dreams"

First of January year 2017, the whole world is celebrating the New Year's Day. To some traditions, this is the day when you have to be at your best, be with someone whom you wanna be 'till the rest of your life, wishing all the closest in your heart, share and make plans for the year ahead.

I was busy arranging the food and drinks we brought over a spread of cloth under a tree nearby the seashore. We found a good place to relax. Listening to the soothing rhythm of our favorite songs and watching the waves kissing the shore. Laughter of people around filled the air. The eerie of  wind  whispering by; I can hear it. What it says is just mine.

He held me in his arms and blew the back of my ears. He uttered these lines, "the heavens, the oceans and the earth are my witnesses to these moments I shared with you" I was speechless for no words can ever tell my happiness.

Time passed so quickly that we need to head home. Rain started to pour heavily, and the road was almost none to be seen. We drove back home filled with hopes and dreams. We told ourselves, we will come back here another day. Another day to meet our witnesses and another day to renew our "Promises".

It's Not Just Where She Stands. It's More On That

She was often judged for the things she have done, and for all the reasons she live.

She was born in a big family of eleven children. She used to be a Daddy's girl and a sweetheart to her siblings.. She grew up to have everything in front of her, a favorite of the crowd and a loving child to everyone. Years had gone so quickly and the passing of days was unforeseen, until she realized she is a woman. Great responsibilities was bestowed upon her shoulders. Her early days was filled with colorful memories. Reading books was her passed time and she used to locked up her self in the school library just to finished every stories she had started to read. One day she asked her Dad, "daddy, for my next birthday, I want a set of Encyclopedia". Her father replied, " Dear, it is very expensive. But I will try my best to get it for you. Counting of days was over and waiting had paid off. She had gotten her first set of books. To her surprised it wasn't the set she wanted, however, she joyously grabbed them and start flipping the pages. She was the girl who wants to know everything and anything under the sun. For every stories she read brought her to somewhere she called " Wonderland". She turned seven and she was in primary 1. She is so proud to tell that she can even memorized the entire English textbook she had. She recited one, and it goes like this- Henny Penny. the story title. "Henny Penny is a hen. Henny Penny is a red hen. Henny Penny lays eggs. Henny Penny has ten eggs.. so on and so forth. It was funny as it still stuck in her mind embedded as She memories. Her school days was amazing. Like balls rolling, life isn't always  wonderful. Problems also came and in tantamount situations. Then she realized, her weaknesses. No matter what she must be firm and stay on her ground. She couldn't be any weak person for her family. Her big dreams started to shuttered. Her hopes faded like dust blown by the wind. She became little to herself and the only strength that was left in her was her Faith.

Witnessing her struggles was heart breaking. But her determination is tremendously amazing which inspired everyone who is known to her. Her life is filled with meaningful details which are undiscovered, unveiled. Yet, she believes that time will channeled her to her destinations. Along every steps in her journey she is not walking alone. She has with her people, her  soul and her inspirations.

It's not just where she stands, it's more on that and to be continued........